remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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