omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
