I wish my penis had an off switch
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
