4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
