I can tuck mytits in my pants
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
