Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
