So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
