My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
