dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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