I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think a kid would responsible me up
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
