omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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