I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
