You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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