Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
