Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
