what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
