remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
