Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
