Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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