Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
