Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
