I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
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Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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