I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
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College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
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I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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