I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
