I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
