One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
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they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
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Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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