He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
