you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
