I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Pooping to opera.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
