you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
