Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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