I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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