I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
