Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
