That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
