My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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