remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
