oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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