toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Less talking, more tequila
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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