You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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