I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The best revenge is premature balding
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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