Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
