Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
