i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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