His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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