he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
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He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
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I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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