My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
