it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
