I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
