put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
