Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
