ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
