I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
