Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
