Don't you send me to vm
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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